In the New Testament story of Martha and Mary, Martha tells Jesus to tell Mary to get up and help her. Jesus tells Martha: “You are too distracted, only one thing is important and Mary has chosen the better part.”
When I came into the fellowship of A.A. I was distracted. I didn’t want to be there as I didn’t believe I was an alcoholic – even after I completed thirty-five days in a thirty-day program. But that wasn’t what distracted me. It was my ego. I had this belief that I would be a big help to “these people” as I was a counselor and had a background in theological studies.
I was distracted. I was taken to the State Psych Hospital to tell my story. I was invited to a variety of meetings to tell my story. I was invited to be on the “speaker circuit” [fortunately, for me, two mentors make it clear to me I was not going to do that and, for once, I listened to someone.]
I was distracted. I was reading anything and everything I could get my hands on about the history of Alcoholics Anonymous, about the “not -god” spirituality of the fellowship. I believed that the more I understood the better person I would be. I memorized “How it works,” and “the Promises.” and, when someone quoted a line from a page … I highlighted that line and memorized it for the next meeting.
I was distracted. I was busy doing everything that would draw attention to me even as I built a wall between me and all others. And yet, I knew there was something missing. I was not as happy as the old-timers and, at some level, I wanted what they had.
I was distracted. I was a single parent and I wanted a relationship. What I really wanted was a mother for my child instead of a life partner. I wanted everything yesterday. I kept busy as I then did not have to think about anything in a serious manner.
I was distracted. I had to work the steps so I could get them finished before I completed the “Aftercare” program to which I was assigned. I was so busy “working” the program I was not living it. Truth be told, I had no idea what ‘living’ really meant drunk or sober.
I was distracted. I was busy trying to distract others from seeing me as I really was and I had no idea who I was. I was scared, lonely, and alone and dry as the Mojave desert.
“Only one thing is important and Mary has chosen the better part.” “It makes no difference what you are doing if you’re not sober.” I heard that. I had no idea what it meant until I was blessed with a spiritual awakening which resulted in my conscious awareness that I’m an alcoholic, an addict, and sobriety is possible.
I began the steps again. First, admitting I was powerless helped me to have a more honest look at my drinking, drug use, and the negative consequences. Then I had to understand God differently from the vengeful God that haunted the recesses of my mind and kept me in guilt and shame.
Sobriety taught me to accept myself as a good person who had made mistakes just like other human beings. Sobriety taught me that I could become free of my guilt and shame as I faced my past, confronted it, made amends, and began to live a clean and sober life. Sobriety taught me to go to meetings to meet people, to listen twice as much as I talk, to find ways of being service to others, to the group, and be the hand of AA when it was needed. Sobriety cleared my mind. Being sober – as opposed to being dry. I no longer had to have things my way, I could share my thoughts and feelings without any expectation of what I shared being utilized.
I no longer had to go to meetings. Going to meetings did not keep me sober. Living the program kept me sober. I go to meetings to listen, to learn, to share. “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps we carried this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”
Only one thing matters, and, for me, that is sobriety and then living the program. Thank God for Bill, Bob, Sam Shoemaker, and the early old-timers.
Séamus D.